Today, we said goodbye. Tomorrow, he goes to his forever family; a mom and a dad who will love him and cherish him and he will be theirs.
Just as everything else in life for me, my heart and mind were filled with an array of emotions; mostly contradicting each other. I’m coming to terms with the fact that this is a new reality for me.
I’m supposed to love these kids boldly while holding them loosely. It’s what this life entails. I feel confident saying that it is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to learn. That’s the one thing that does not have a contradicting feeling waiting behind.
How desperately I want to hold a formerly orphaned child in these arms of mine and for them to call that home. Oh how I desire to be theirs forever and them be forever mine. Oh how I wish to be on the other side of this journey called adoption.
…But I know that’s not for me yet. This is what He has placed in front of me for now, and I will walk through it with a grateful heart. I will walk through it praising Him as I see His hand so evidently in it all.
As I held him today, saying my goodbye, I found myself trying to memorize everything about him; the way his lip curls when he smiles, the sound of his laugh, the way he kicks his shoes off when he throws a tantrum, his waddle of a walk; everything. The memories. Those are things that I never have to let go. Those are the things that I can tuck away in my heart and in my journal and hold onto forever. Those are mine.
After we left, I couldn’t help but let my mind run wild.
It’s so wild to think that tomorrow, 2 worlds will collide and everything will change. My friend will hand this sweet boy into the arms of another woman and both worlds will be forever changed. That moment of collision binds these worlds forever. I can’t help but be overwhelmed by the impact of that one moment.
It’s so easy for me to think about that small speck in time, but I know this moment didn’t come easily. It is the culmination of so many different people taking so many different steps, unaware of each other, over so much time and it all erupting into this beautiful moment in time. A moment that I’m sure stands still for all involved.
Nothing exists outside of the will of God. Hard or easy to believe, that’s just how it is. That is so hard for me to swallow in this world, but these moments… they restore my faith. They revive hope that is so easily drowned in this sea of heartache. They serve as a reminder for my wandering heart that my God is who He says He is.
He does makes beauty out of ashes.
I’ve seen it. I’ve touched it. I’ve lived it.
I rejoice that, tomorrow, these long journeys will finally collide and make that moment for our boy and his new family.