I don’t know about any of you, but before I came full time to the M field, I had ideas and a picture of what it was going to look like and how it was going to be.
I was going to be surrounded with a bunch of adventure attics who love JC and life was going to be a constant, big, adventure. We were going to form relationships with locals seamlessly and a love for the culture would be almost instant. It was going to be fun- all the time. I wouldn’t really struggle with homesickness because, after all, this is the life “I was created for.” I would never doubt my choices to move abroad because I am a strong enough woman to handle missing the people that I left at home. I wouldn’t really struggle with pride, selfishness, or laziness because after 4 years of hometown discipleship, I pretty much had this whole gspl-centered-heart thing perfected. Their would be little to no need for confrontation among other Ms because, naturally, we’re all here for the same purpose. Oh, & I almost forgot to mention that singleness would never be something that caused this girl to waiver.
Now that I’ve let you inside my head a little, I don’t think it’s so hard to discover why I wanted to be a part of that life so desperately. Too bad it’s not exactly like that.
Most times, I do really enjoy life here, but sometimes it is flat out hard. Sometimes, I go to bed with an ache in my heart to hold my brother closer than ever and be a part of my best friends’ weddings. A lot of times, I miss my family.
Even though sometimes I’m still shocked by how much I miss people and the conveniences of home, I think the thing that has taken by surprise are the flaws and sin in my own heart that I feel are on a huge screen, continuously on play, right in front of my face.
For me, life here magnifies the sin in my heart. The biggest one for me right now is pride. It’s kind of exhausting, actually. I never realized how prideful I truly was until I packed up and moved across the world. There are not as many comforts to hide yourself behind or new people to run to when the old ones start to see the true you. The option and ability to hide is just as not as easy. Almost everyday now, I am faced with pride in a different area of my life and, almost always, it is extremely draining to see so little of Jesus in my own heart. Currently, He is turning my world upside down. I my heart, I don’t find this a particularly fun place to be, but I know in my head that this is a good place to be. It is a place where I am becoming more and more dependent on the gspl and His ever present grace.
Guess what y’all…
The M field is full with sinful people who mess up and are just trying to thrive in the life He has set before them. For the most part, it’s a lot different than they expected. BUT, they are also saved by grace and restored through the gspl, and through that, He is glorified.
…but, after writing this, I’m taking a wild guess and saying this is just the life of people, anywhere and everywhere, trying to live daily with and for Him.
Oh, the life of a college graduate learning what life is really about and that she never really had it figured out in the first place…. and probably never will.
*disclaimer: the people I get to serve alongside of are truly a blessing and I count it a privilege.